Kenya? Again?

i'm going back to Kenya guys!  it's been almost one year.. and i'm going back!  this year i leave on April 11. yes! only a few days from now, i'll be back in Africa & i can't believe it!

i think it only fair that i explain what has occurred in the past year that made it so that it took THIS long to blog again..

i'll start by filling you in on the rest of the trip.. bear with me..  lol

We had a VBS.  At least that's what it was called. We met with the girls each day to share with them about relationships.. These are girls ranging in ages from 9 to early 20s. We don't know the things that they've seen. We don't know the fear of that "special" day of circumcision that will change their lives making sexual intimacy painful & torturous. What in the world???  

i don't know where to begin.. almost a year later, as i write this blogpost to you, i feel a sense of compassion for them that only God can give for a people that you have spent very little time with.

Jesus' love transcends time.

i heard from a girl who was married at 9 years old. to a man who could be her grandfather. yes. GRANDfather. This is typical Maasai culture. She was the 5th wife. My heart aches at the thought of these sweet young, innocent girls being sold to a man who will pay for her with a cow or two. 

Maasai women greeting us "mzungus" in hopes that we will buy jewelry or other items from them.

But they're learning about THE only true Savior. Jesus Christ. They smile. They sing the sweetest redemption song that you could ever here. Bob Marley's got nothing on them! They know what deliverance looks like. They understand the freedom that they've been brought in to. 

There's so much that i could tell you. So many sweet stories of looking into their eyes as they enjoy being little girls again. Smiling. Laughing. We brought balls & frisbees. One walks over to me with eyes dancing and says, "We feel very much happy!" 

Can you say adorable??

these little kids wanted to come in sOo bad to play with the balls..
right after this shot, they joined us. ^.^

It was a ball that brought her such delight. She was a little girl with a happy heart.
Nahh.. it wasn't really the ball, but God used the ball that day.  ^.^

i can't wait to see them again!  i get so excited just thinking about my little Maasai sisters.

They are such a sweet group. Feisty, some of them, but sweet. 

This time, i feel God saying, "Give them Jesus. They need to understand this love that will not only set them free, but KEEP them!" So, i will go. i will tell them of the Savior's love. i will tell them of the One who died for them & who never slumbers nor sleeps. Whose heart overflows with love for her. Yes, her. Individually. Please pray for us, that God would multiply our hours each day. Making them sweet & full.  ^.^

now my explanation, cuz i feel that you just might deserve a little one. hehe heh.

when i came back last May, my j-boy #1 said, "Tosha, we're moving to Colorado!" 

so i had to start packing. i also had to attempt to finish up our homeschooling for the year. 

UNBELIEVABLE. 

we moved to Colorado June 19th. by way of ROADTRIP!!  lol..

that's another story. fires, counseling, all kinds of craziness.

Helen Keller said, "Life is either a great adventure or nothing."

it takes a blind babe to really understand what that means, i think. lol.. the more we "see" with physical eyes the more we miss out on "seeing" with our spiritual eyes.

mommas & their babies. 

i'm learning. <3 div="">

Don't ever let a year pass..

well, i'm obviously back from Africa.. i have a TON of explaining to do, cuz it's now March 2013.. almost a year has passed & i owe sO many of you BIG apologies for taking sOoo, so long..

what can i say, i'm busy.. lol

but finally, i'm taking time to update you on what must've been one of the most amaZing adventures of my life yet..  living for Christ is an adventure in and of itself, but the lil' extra bonuses are often pretty mind-blowing!

sO.. i take a LOOong time to get to Africa & i arrive in Nairobi, Kenya. the place is so city-like & touristy that there's not much to say about it other than there is TIGHT security. our hotel was next to a mall & when you try to go into the mall, there's military-lookin' security with big guns who check your bags..

serious stuff.

but the NEXT day, the adventure began.. we started by meeting the older girls & doin' a lil' bit of touristy stuff.. like the Rift Valley (pics don't do it justice..) which is unbelievably BEAUTIFUL & i think you can call it majestic..  ;)

we stop there to visit some tourist shop & they see the mzungus (foreigners) & automatically see dollar signs..

*imagine that*

sO, i wanna buy a few trinkets that i'm thinkin' at the most would cost about thirty bucks, but the dude is trying to milk me for 75 bucks! obviously he doesn't know the kind of mzungu i am. lol .. i had one of the girls go in with me & boy did she get in to it with the man..

*insert swahili argument here*

i paid $24. heh heh..

that night we went to visit the girls for the first time. (4 of the team members were already there)

as we approach there's amaZing singing.. & the moment we walk in EVERYthing STOPS so that we can be bombarded with giggles & double hugs from EVERY single girl in that place.. & there are something like 50-60 girls..

all i could do was CRY. they sang songs for us & i'm sure that that's what heaven will sound like:

this is actually them singing.. i will not post actual photos of them out of concern for their safety & well-being.. 

my first *taste* of what my life would be like for the next 9 days & i was overwhelmed with a FLOOD of tears of joy for such sweetness.

i knew then & there that i wasn't gonna be the same.. & that this experience would change my life forever.  <3

African landscape is sOo beautiful. 

A half of a biscuit & (I think that's a sardine)

that's about all i got..

it's a whole lot bigger than what i picture.. lol

in John 6, there was a lil' boy who apparently walked by & offered his peanut-sized lunch to a crowd of 5,000 people. NOT counting women & children.

can somebody say BOLD?? 

i would imagine myself lookin' at him & shakin' my head if i were one of the disciples thinkin' wow.. what in the WORLD is he thinkin.. 

obviously he ain't thinkin'.. 

i don't know what the lil' boy was thinkin.. but what i DO know is that

GOD USED HIM THAT DAY. 

the people were hungry. it was already gettin dark. there was NO way that Jesus Christ would send them away in darkness & hungry.

in the same way, there are people who are hungry for truth. truth that will TRULY make them free. people who live in a land corrupt with darkness & false doctrines.

right here in NYC we witness this stuff, but this time i'm talkin' about Nairobi, Kenya.

& God is sendin' lil' ol' me.. with my half a biscuit & one sardine.

i'm sure that's all i got. lol.. believe me, i've checked! & yet, Jesus has decided that just like He told the disciples over 2,000 years ago, He's hittin' me with the SAME challenge.

YOU give 'em sumthin to eat, Tosha!

part of me is all ugh with fear.. (the part that needs to DIE)
& the other part of me is like

Let's do THIS!!

From April 19-29 I will be traveling, ministering, eating & breathing with a team of five in Nairobi, Kenya.

pray for me. :)

We will be working with girls who have escaped FGM (female genital mutilation).

look it up.. it's saddening
wait.. maybe you shouldn't look it up.

if you do look it up.. don't say i didn't warn you.

This is quite an adventure for me (some of you know I'm a stay-at-home, homeschooling, home making momma woman)! Lol

(that's a lotta home... just call me homie.)

We'll be teaching them about relationships from a Biblical, godly perspective..  Both the benefits of doing things God's way & the consequences of allowing our emotions & desires to direct us. We'll be lovin' on 'em with God's love & doin' fun stuff too, like nails & hair tee hee.. I need God. I TRUST God. I'm believing God!

and you know what? it's like the ol' school song says, He's NEVER failed me yet!

sOoo.. i'm askin' you to pray.

if you don't know Jesus, but you understand the place of darkness & REAL hunger for a different kind of life, then you talk to Jesus about your need. ask Him to forgive you.. to wash you.. to change you.. then you pray for me. ;)

I'm grateful for the opportunity to go. God is faithful. honestly, i have no idea what to expect.

makes me excited & nervous all at the same time.

Pray for J-boy #1 (my sweet husband). He will spend the ten days I'm away being a missionary to our three children. *heh heh*

i remember one of those cliche' thingies that says "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips those He calls.."  sO, i'm trustin' Him with my lil' half of a sardine sandwich.. <3

photo credit here & here..

thankful # 73

i'm sOooo thankful for my Jesus.

nuff said. ;)

he replaces darkness with LIGHT..  :)

1 John 1:5 God is light. and in Him there is NO darkness at all..  <3

pic details here..

REAL medicine!

if ever a reason to become a doctor, it's to be like this dude..

he's awesome.. & so is his savior! ;)

take a look.. 

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

 ~Jesus Christ

playground possession..

Jesus showed up in the playground today..

<3

cuz He's awesome like that. ;)

i went there with my drum & three lil' people & left with a harvest of friends!

honestly, i had NO intention whatsoever of doin' this.. but ever since i got my djembe, i've felt God telling me to take some worship into the playground..

& sO.. finally, after LOTS of fear & fear.. and (did i mention fear?)  AND fear..  i went.

let me explain sumthin to you.

this park is packed with *action*.. drug selling.. drug buying.. & other stuff..  yea. that kind of *action*

(you get the picture)

& all along, i've wrestled with the Lord regarding where i live. asking Him for a love for the people of my community.

if Jesus wasn't givin' it, it wasn't gonna happen.

& since i've been praying concerning playing the drum in the park, i've reaLLy just cried out to the Lord for this love that ONLY He can give. it's called AGAPE, people.

you just can't explain it. cuz it's NOT from you.. it's other-worldly (Jesus' world) it's unconditional.. &

*heavenly*

& today, i went to the park with a drum & my three lil' people to experience this love with the people in the park.

i looked for a spot to play & sing. there was really only one place i could go.. right NEXT to the people who spoke all kinds of yuk that i'd prefer NOT to be a part of.. but GOD'S LOVE abounds!!

i sit down, take my drum.. & start playin' & singin'... the vulgar language of the adults next to me ceases.
a few of the dudes start comin' over to inspect.. & their enjoyin' the beat with a few Uhs.. then, ALL of the ruffians disappear. & lil' kids start peekin'.. cuz Jesus wants them the most.

they're our future. Whitney didn't make that up..  ;)

one by one they head over to dance a lil' bit.. & they inch closer.. and closer.. and closer..

and closer. 

to enjoy the closeness of my wonderful Jesus. oh how he LOVES the lil' people!!  <3

eventually, there's a crowd of eight or so & they're soakin' in the drum beats, singing & smiles. they're even tryin' to see who can be the closest.

i share the truth with these lil' people. about Jesus' love. sacrifice. death. AND resurrection!

some sweet stuff happened in the park today. & it ended with the kids singin' "nothin' but the blood of Jesus" with me..

nothin' but the BLOOD.  

as we walked back home, one of my j-boys said, "mommy, why were u guys actin' like you were such close friends?"

i remembered what Jesus said instantly..

"let the children come to me.. & don't stop 'em!  my kingdom belongs to the ones who are like them."
Matthew 19:14 (teateepee's version)

we gotta remember to be like lil' people.. <3

photo credit here..

thankful thursday!!! with update*

i'm officially a goober.

i knew this already. but now i REALLY know it.

lemme ask YOU a question..

have you EVER mistaken somebody for dead??

O___o

wait.. lemme ask you again.. cuz you probably think i'm playin'... 

have you EVER mistaken somebody for dead??

o___O

well, i did..
yesterday, actually. lol

*no joke*

mind you, this is NOT sumthin i'm proud of. it just kinda happened..  & i felt like such an idiot for it.. that's probably what i am.

not a goober. an idiot. yea, that's it. o_O

my friend has been sick for a very LOOOONGG time. & the other day she posted a fb note via someone else. apparently cuz she's gotten just that sick. at the end of the note, her signature was "i'll see you on the other side.."

well.. the note IS circulating as if it's an obituary..

whatever. i'm not gonna keep goin' on this one.

i think this blog is my *venting* post right now..

shame on me.

she ain't dead. (at least i don't think she is..)

anyway, this WHOLE fiasco of an ordeal got me thinkin'..

WOW.. life is SHORT. first Steve Jobs & now an old friend from grade school (who's not dead, but sick)

people need to act like they KNOW.

am i doin' what i'm supposed to be doin'? am i being SALT & LIGHT (Matthew 5:13, 14)
am i living the way i should?
...

i'm a work in progress if i've ever seen one. i screw up EVERYday. but my life belong's to Jesus Christ.

i don't EVER wanna belittle my allegiance to the ONE who died for me.

better yet, HIS allegiance to me.

& yet, i see in myself, just as Peter & EVERY other believer does, this battle with my ugly self.

to try to get my way..

but then i remember that this life is not MINE. & i give it back to Him. cuz really,

nothin' else matters.

i'd be a fool to return to the vomit of an existence i used to know.. i've put myself in some predicaments that i shouldn't have only to get what *i* wanted.

pretty much sucks.

i was reading in Genesis tonight about when Cain was given the boot (you know... out  of his home). never to return to the sweet family life he once knew.. (the garden was already jacked up, but at least he had two parents that loved him, right?)

anyway.

he moved to NOD. that word means vagrancy. & vagrancy basically means "wanderin' without purpose"

i'm sorry, but i've been to NOD. 

BORING.

makes ya nod. lol..

& i'm done. i got better things to do. like LIVE.

kinda like my friend from grade school.. the girl ain't dead yet.. & neither am i. she attempted to share a lil' encouragement about her suffering & the Lord.

i *think* this is what this is 'spoze to be. (an encouragement) heh heh..

like Dory said in Finding Nemo.. *just keep swimming, just keep swimming..*

great advice from a lil' blue fishie. (i'm takin' it..)

& i'm *thankful*

UPDATE** my friend died three days after my big oops..

life is short. Jesus Christ is STILL the ONLY answer. 

worth watching..

check it out!  i can't wait to see the movie!!  :)

http://180movie.com/

doodlin' that's about it..

it's been a while, once more.. and honestly, i don't have much to type for my absence. i've been in very much a rut.. 

it goes something like this: 

no creative inspiration.. no drive.. no initiative.. no this.. no that..

.. even feeling like i'm the ONLY one in my predicament.. THEN i spoke to a friend the other day who shed some *light* on my situation..

i'm NOT the ONLY one.. 

i drew this lil' doodle to sum things up.. i FEEL like the lil' guy on the right LOOKS.. lol...

it just feels that way. & that's the way the enemy of my soul would like for me to feel.. like i'm the only one who goes thru stuff.

meh.

i heard a preacher say once, "being a Christian is NOT hard, it's IMPOSSIBLE!"

& he was absolutely right. being a REAL Christian requires Christ's intervention continually.. & as we all who are His know.. that takes LOTS of denying of my own selfish tendencies to embrace the will & purposes of my Lord. & in the process.. i throw lots of tantrums.

*embarrassing..* 

but, hey.. i'm bein' honest. 'cuz He knows that i wanna be more like Him. by HIS grace.

& that's possible. ;)

And Jesus said to him, "'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."

Mark 9:23

Six Months To Live...

i listened to this one for a second time today..

profound word.. worth heeding..

enjoy.

:)

If I Had Six Months To Live

thank-full!!

as u may already realize, i failed big time with my *EVERYDAY* posts 'til thanksgiving thing.

i'm not that great at this stuff, but i enjoy it, sO.. i keep goin'!!

;-)

the truth is i have a LOT to be grateful for. and although i may not be that great at keepin' up with commitments, i know someone who is. & that's Jesus!

NOooo, i'm not trying to turn this blog into some big, huge religious zone... but i AM a Christian!

& anyone who's in love with ANYthing/one tends to talk about that thing/one who has captivated their hearts... no?

of COURSE!

sO, yea.. i talk about HIM. Jesus is His name. He taught me a valuable lesson about friendship and forgiveness this week.

(imagine that.. THANKSGIVING week..)

i have a friend whose mom just went to heaven. she shared with me the week before her mother's death that she was sick. with cancer. that stuff is evil.

we prayed. i cried at the thought. it was only about a week later if not even a week that she called me again to let me know her mom was gone.

that quick.

a good friend would make sure to reach out to one whose dearest family member has passed away, right?

you'd think so. but i was sO self-consumed to even remember what being a good friend looked like.

i'm embarrassed by this. but grateful. God taught me a LOT in that week.

how to FORGIVE myself - for failing my friend

how to BE forgiving - through my sweet friend

& what a true GOOD friendship looks like. - she exemplified that to me in her reaction.

i may not do well next week in displaying EVERY sweet quality of a good friend.. but i'm learning.

and for that, i'm grateful. :)

(photo credit)

thank-FULL!! #5

i'm sOooo VERY grateful for a SAVIOR.. wait.. i meant THE SAVIOR!!

His name is Jesus CHRIST!!! are my priorities out of order?? O_o

OF COURSE NOT!!

honestly, this guy gets the glory like NO other in my life!! i'm happy to have met Him.. i'm even happier that He accepted me & calls me His own!! ^.^

how can one resist such a supernatural love!? obviously, i couldn't. it took a while for me to discontinue living for myself.. but He changed me!! & i can't deny that He gets all the credit for my new life!!

sO, yea.. this is number 5, but the truth is, i'm grateful for Him EVERYday. i hope that i'm able to display this gratitude properly on a DAILY basis.

cuz, honestly, at times.. i suck. ewww!! i mean REALLY suck.

and yet, u know what??

HE STILL LOVES me!! *... smh this love is amaZinggg!!*

what kind of MAN is this?? the disciples asked this question & it's sO appropriate.

we'll never fully understand this guy.. nor will we completely understand HIS love..

but we should be grateful for it. :)

EVERYday.

thank-FULL #4

provision..

something that we all take way too lightly at times.

i'm guilty. =_=

but, i'm realizing more and more that i AM grateful (& that i should express it WAY more often) for God providing for me & my family.

• i get to stay at home with my kids *full-time* (and i gripe about it at times... O_o)

ewwww!! i should know better!!

• i homeschool my kids. (and i have griped about that at times... O_o)

i like homeschooling now! LOL

• i'm in a happy, healthy marriage.. ^-^

which, i've heard that that ALONE is a miracle of provision!!

• i have 3 smart, healthy kids..

Yes! God's been an awesome provider.. and HE continues to be!!

i'm amaZed!

writing is sO helpful. LOL.. i'm sure i'll have to read this post for the rest of my life! ha!

sO, why are we such brats at times?? thinkin' that we deserve STUFF!?

God's faithfulness is awesome by itself. everything else is sorta bonus, ya know? :)

*sO, i'm grateful*

photo credit

thank-FULL

okay. i missed a day. it's fine.

this is MY blog. ;-)

today.. it's still Sunday to me.. (i didn't go to bed yet)

i'm thankful for SUNDAYs in Manhattan. not icecream. that would be sundae. eh heh..

i'm thankful for EVERY opportunity to worship with the body of Christ. i attend Times Square Church in Manhattan.. and i'm really grateful to God for placing me in such a fruitful place.

God's presence is uniquely awesome. and it's always refreshing to enjoy TRUE fellowship with the family of God.

visit!!

thank-full #2

i'm thankful for God's faithfulness!!

today is day 2 of my things i'm thankful for posts.

i do NOT do well if i'm overwhelmed.. at least not always.

lots of times i shut down.

a friend has "hired" me to make a party dress for her & i REALLY wanted to have it ready for her so that she could try it on tomorrow. so far, it's not even cut... and that sucks. *just a lil' bit*

it's 11:35 PM according to my clock at the moment.. and i really don't have the desire to go start cutting. *ugh*

it's all good.

sO, i'm thankful for God's faithfulness. 'cuz even we're not faithful, the Bible says that God STILL is.

TRUE STORY!!

& i'm thankful for HIS faithfulness!!

-on THAT note-

i'm gonna try my best tonight to get somewhere with this dress.. i've been challenged by the character of my Savior! if He is faithful.. & i'm supposed to be like HIM.. then i need to attempt to show a faithful character as well..

lesson learned!!

i love this life! :)

boldness.. and transparency.

something that we should fight for. there is an absolute dearth of integrity in this world, if you ask me.

& yea, i know u didn't.. LOL..

but i gotta tell ya. i just read THIS article and i'm amaZed at Melody's honesty. yea, so the pain has passed... but the woman has a story to share! and not about some fluffy bunnies either.

she has experienced something that has seemingly left her longing for a sensitivity that she sO needed to experience during her time of trial.

"they" say experience is the best teacher.. WHO is THEY??? well.. anyway, "they're" telling a partial truth.

i pray that we'd ALL learn from this type of situation.. whether by reading Melody's story OR just seeing the NEEDS around us. God is giving me a new sensitivity for people around me.. a burden of sorts. to forget about myself. and think about and PRAY for others.

i know that it's what God wants. what good is a selfish, self-centered bratty girl?

none.

Jesus Christ deserves ALL of the glory in our lil' lives. 'cuz he's bigger. a LOT bigger.

:)

awakening.. err.. enlightenment??

as if i needed it..?

i guess i did.

today my good friend Nadine & i had our regular convo about what's good craft-wise.. only THIS time, the convo took a VERY necessary turn for good.

i've pondered for YEARS the thought, "why am i sO stuck when it comes to being creative?"

and i'm tellin' u.. it hit me like a BRICK.. a soft brick.

we should not be lookin' for God to bless the work of OUR hands, but instead, we should look for what HE's blessing and work on that! sounds sO simple.. and it IS!!

i felt freedom today in this thought process..

don't get me wrong, i LOVE crafting.. finding a good, fun project to work on is awesome..

BUT...

there's sumthin' AWESOMER.

PASSION.

this is what ol' man webster says about it..

passion |ˈpa sh ən|noun

an intense desire or enthusiasm for something

.. and when u got it.. you KNOW it!! and that's eXactLy the word to describe my feeling toward working with youth. i've worked as a jr. high youth worker for the past twelve + years.. and it hasn't grown old at all! i LOVE young people. they're wonderfully unique in EVERY way.. they know how to have fun.. they're not "too old" to have fun.. they're not "too young" to take serious matters seriously... they're such balanced people. and they've stolen my heart time and time again. no matter where i go, if i see a junior higher, we automatically "click" ... no work involved. it's like they KNOW. lol.. Jesus did this in my heart! it's not sumthin that i worked up.. it actually is a very "natural" desire. and i think it will be for eternity. ^_^

i wish i could've been honest with myself & stated this a LOT sooner..

this blog MAY just be changed a lil' bit.. cuz i luv young people sO much. =)

thanks, Nadine.. for being a wonderful Christian.. and friend. <3

photo credit here.. titled "the dance of youth"

the *REASON* for the SEASON!!

this isn't my writing, but i sure think it's an awesome one! very well put..

isn't it safe to say that it's a good thing to be reminded of the TRUE

"reason for the season"?

enjoy.

Consider where that Holiest King of all Kings was placed on earth--someone who was true Royalty, who should have chosen and been given the finest hospital with the best surgeons money could buy, the best luxuries afforded to man--yet this Holy God CHOSE the dirt-laden floors of a stable. A place that was meant for animals, not even men, to be brought forth to the men of this earth, most of whom were probably born in better places than that lowly stable. I was humbled and asked myself why Holiness would choose dirt, why Royalty would choose poverty, why the Great Provider would choose lack, and ultimately, why God would choose my ugly heart as His dwelling place.

When I thought back to when Christ was born in my heart, and likewise, into the heart of every man, it indeed was a place of stench. A place where only animal instincts dwelt--humanity at its lowest form, humiliation and shame at its highest. And, I have no gifts worthy of a King, let alone another person, nothing at all to offer anyone. Why would a holy God choose to not only be born in, but to dwell in, a heart like mine? The scriptures say He is changing me into His likeness. He is changing His surroundings--the place He dwells in my heart--into a holy place fit for His Royalty. He not only chose to be born in my filth, but He also chooses to clean it, even to transform it into a place of grandeur and holiness. Me? Yes, and even you. The wonder of it all is beyond understanding.

Just as I have a lot to do in making my surroundings fit for my family, so He has a lot of work to do in me to make me a holy place fit for Him. I can't even begin to tackle that project on my own, so He gifted me with His righteousness and wrapped it in swaddling clothes and laid it in my manger. And, as I worship Him and as I lift Him up, He will draw all men unto Himself. Lowly men (like shepherds) and royal kings (like wise men) wonder what it is in this heart of mine that shines so brightly and brings such peace. I know that it is the gift of Jesus within the stable of my heart.

I don't want the house of my heart to be that fancy inn that had no place for a Savior. I desire to find a spot to celebrate Him and let Him dwell in my lowly heart and watch Him transform it into a holy place. And as He clears out the dirty pen, may I say, as that woman long ago said, "Be it unto me according to Thy Word."

I don't merely need cleaner surroundings. I need a clean heart. There is no room in the fancy inn of my human desires, and gladly so. But there is room in the dirty stable of my heart where He is needed most. And there, I bow in the musty hay, before the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and worship His Holiness and praise Him for His desire to live within me. I now have peace because I am one on whom His favor rests. And I sing with that heavenly host, in sincere humility and joyous celebration: Glory to God in the Highest!


"And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus: for he shall save his people from their sins." (Matthew 1:21)

you can read more from this writer HERE..